i dont really know what that word means but if i were to describe my night, those are the words i would use.
tonight, i went to a “thanksgiving as one” … event. i would describe it as a “very LA” kind of event. that can mean so many different things, depending on what kind of community you are talking about. let me try to be more clear. today, i went to a “very asian-american christian LA” event. the only thing that would have made it more LA would have been if jesus himself strolled in with true religion jeans, blinging cross around his neck— flava flav style, spitting some psalms slam poetry style, eating some bougie ethnic bread and drinking some bougie local wine. did i mention this event was in joel vincent and mc jin’s studio?
the event itself felt like a “last night of retreat” kind of event, if you catch my drift. dont get me wrong— i am not dogging on it at all. in fact, takeaway #1 from this event was the beauty of different worship styles. while this event was not my kind of style, it clearly was for majority of people there. if that is how they glorify god, then glorify on, my bruthuhs and sistuhs! how stifled and uncomfortable they must feel in other places of worship with different styles! good thing they have a place to worship in a style that is accommodating to their preferences. why do people feel a need to impose their style on others? carry on, i say.
… but if the body is not producing fruit, is it really bringing him ultimate glory? takeaway #2. there was so much potential in that studio tonight. so many influential, creative, gifted, blessed, and well endowed people in that room tonight… but all we did was eat exquisite food, sing beautiful songs, and pray for [probably] more influence, creativity, gifts, blessings, and probably endowments. jk maybe im being harsh. but yeah. that was my book cover judgment. “too many veggies. not enough fruit.”
for some reason, i would catch myself laughing/smiling at myself and at the situation and taking in where i am in the moment and my thoughts. it was really a weird experience. i kept wondering what elena would think or do if she were at the event with me hahahah maybe it is because i dragged her to many weird exploratory events in philly. or maybe it is because i value and respect her opinion— esp with churchy type matters. my mind would wander and start to imagine other friends and their reactions. but i kept coming back to elena’s reaction. hehehee :P
takeaway #3, a new question ive never been asked: what is your favorite fruit for when you are bawling?
what an odd term. i dont know what that is suppose to characterize. i still feel like the pseudo-philosophical, lost, world-conscious, self-serving smartass that i was in college.
there are some differences, though.
i don’t have classes. (kinda, bc the RN residency program here has didactic component as well… and sometimes i still have to study up on my cardiac stuff or vasoactive drugs)
i’m no longer babied for living the student life.
i no longer have winter break/spring break/summer break. here’s to spending christmas and new years alone… whoo~~ :(
i no longer have my rcf safety net. that community was something else. so many precious conversations, challenging me to seek a deeper relationship with my savior.
i write this post because i really don’t like #4.
i really miss that community.
i miss my friends. i miss how easy and natural that relationship felt like. it wasn’t a chore. it wasn’t empty. and it wasn’t constantly at war with indulging my fleshly desires of comfort as it is now.
when i come home from a rough week of work or an exhausting day with people i don’t seem to connect genuinely with, the last thing on my mind is how can i serve my god more. instead, my mind tricks itself into serving myself as god.
what a fool i have become.
i am terrified that i could see myself living like this, in “comfort”, for the rest of my life.
Hey… It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I’m sorry I haven’t gone to Pleasant Hill in awhile. I will definitely be sure to go this Thanksgiving. Wait, but I won’t have a car and I want to go alone. Whatever, I’ll figure it out…
Every year, I anxiously wait for this month, this week, this day… and every year, it never is quite like I had imagined. Every year, I want you to see the girl I’ve become, the daughter you would be so proud of. Since you passed, a lot has happened. I’ve graduated high school, moved to a whole new city, made a bunch of friends, majored in nursing, worked at the best children’s hospital in the nation, graduated from upenn, moved again across the country, and started post grad working life. I’ve kissed a boy. I think I might even be in a relationship right now… I’ve traveled across lots of seas. I’ve eaten some really awesome amazing things, and some not so awesome pretty awful things. I’ve met pretty cool celebrities. I’ve played a few intramural sports. I’m helping mom with what I can. I’m trying to be a better sister to Peter and Ji Young.
In the hospital and in civilian life, I’ve seen a lot of death. and I’ve also seen a lot of hope. Both always remind me of you. I never know quite how to reconcile the two feelings… Just like I never knew how to deal with them when you were sick too. I guess some things never change…
I don’t know, Appa. I just don’t know. There are so many things you have yet to teach me. I have so many questions for you. What is it like? Are you with Jesus? Are you sad? Do you miss me? Can you get through to Peter? Why didn’t you try harder to get me to understand? Why did you have to be so stubborn about your health? You know, I went to the doctor’s office today and he told me gastric cancer is one of the more detectable ones. I hate him for saying that to me, but that’s beside the point. Do you have regrets? Are you happy with how I’m turning out?
For the past five years, I have wanted nothing more than for you to see how I’ve turned out and be proud of me. But this year, I am actually quite ashamed. Things aren’t so peachy keen. I’m so sorry to have disappointed you in so many ways, and I’m embarrassed in front of you. I’m sorry. I wish you were here to yell at me and set me straight again.
I’m learning a lot though… I’m curious of your opinions. I wonder what you would say to me about my roommate situation. I wonder what your past dating experiences were like, before you met umma. or even after. I wonder what you would think of me living so far away. Would you visit? Of course, you would visit. You were always better at showing me love in a way I could understand than umma. We fight a lot about that, you know… It really hurts because Ji Young and Peter and Mom are so alike. You know how we always made fun of you for being the odd one? Well, I’m the odd one now and I’m really sorry if we ever hurt you because I definitely understand now.
Your mom passed. But I’m sure you already know that because you’re probably with her now.
I don’t want to be sad anymore.
I’m usually not.
I’m pretty good at blocking out things, actually. A co-worker pointed out that sometimes I don’t allow myself to feel. She means well.
It’s just sad when I start to think about what I could’ve done differently. And how things will never be the same now. We had a lecture on that recently— a social worker on the bereavement team was saying how she really tries to minimize guilt and regret in siblings by not shielding them so much. That lady is onto something. I wish she had talked to me six years ago.
Anyway, no use living in the past, eh? As far as the future goes, I really really hope to live out your legacy. I hope my kids will one day understand what a great man you were. are. whatever.
Someone asked me if I had a ritual that I did every year… I don’t. I don’t know how to honor you. I just know that you loved the leaves changing and you loved to be active. Hahah I didn’t realize how much of a farm boy you were. If you were here, I could take you hiking, I could take you to the beach, I could take you lots of places…
What does it mean to honor your life? How can I honor and remember your life?
This is a start, I guess… I have two more days until the actual day I suppose I can try to think of something until then.
i already didnt like facebook but definitely acknowledged the functionality of the networking and most importantly, the picturessss. having suffered through many a computer crashes, i was so thankful that the pictures i uploaded were there forever on facebook cyberspace.
but people have robbed this last joy from me!
uploading a lot implies that you are having so much fun and your life is such a joy and everything poops rainbows and butterflies and yayayayay your life is so easy peasy lemon squeezy! :D :D :D :D ~~!!!**!*!*!*!*!
when i let on even just a bit that i am struggling, i am usually met with:
- “haha not according to facebook” - “dude it cant be that bad. you look like youre having a blast” - “living the life, huh?” - “im so jealous. i wish i could have no problems like you”
i know i know, youre probably thinking, ‘dang why is this chick so sensitive? we all get those comments and it doesnt bother us!’
but i dont like being misunderstood or people jumping to wrong assumptions. i dont like not being taken seriously. and yeah, maybe i am a tad sensitive.
i also dont like to burden people with my problems, nor do i like to dwell on them— so no, i am not going to tell you every poopy thing that happens in excruciating detail. but that doesnt mean that i dont go through hard things… and im not talking about oh my roommates suck or work is hard. i mean hard things.
this doesnt just go for me, but everyone out there who may appear to “be having too much fun”.
you dont get to decide what they are feeling like. maybe some of them are truly enjoying themselves and life is easy. (aint nothing wrong with that! whoo!! in fact, that is great! we need more people smiling real smiles!) but maybe some of them are struggling to pull those corners up the sides of their mouths. maybe some of them are tired. maybe some of them are weary.
those people could use a hand. or at the very least, people to not judge them based on their silly fb interactions.
i often hear of people who dont like facebook or get rid of their facebook because they dont like how it makes them feel. they often report feeling left out, jealous, lonely, depressed, unhappy from looking at other people’s posts. i would like to ask these people to not jump to assumptions when looking at these posts. they are just pictures. everyone has their struggles— big or small. it is not about the quantity or quality of the struggle but about how the person reacts to them. maybe they cope in ways you cant see or cant understand. maybe they are coping right now on fb. youd be surprised what people can suppress for the public eye.
i forgot where i was going with that…
be kind to everyone for we are all fighting an uphill battle. i think thats a famous quote and im pretty sure i said it wrong.
i could care less about what people think of me if it is true. yes, i have really smelly farts when i eat too much garlic. yes, i read books for fun. yes, i am super gluttonous and enjoy bougie food. yes, i am a huge sinner. but if i really care if people judge me on false assumptions.
today was payday. i had finally saved up enough after paying the bills, so i called up cindy’s parents to take them out to dinner to thank them for all their help in me moving to LA. i wanted it to be special, so i let them pick the place and all the bells and whistles. they picked somewhere a bit more expensive than i had anticipated and ordered drinks too… and i started to wonder if i had brought enough monies with me. but then i remembered just how thankful i was and how much i wanted to express that through this meal. but then i started to worry. and then calmed down bc it was so small compared to their kindness. but still. but no. but hey. but merp. and it was like that all evening until i asked for the check and the waitress had said that it was already taken care of. i was floored. here i was trying to give back a little of what i had received. and there they were giving again. i felt like a rotten little brat for some reason. i couldnt get it out of my head and couldnt understand their kindness. why me? how me? what am i to do now? they said take them out somewhere better.
my cup overflows.
thank you, abba father. for you are the true giver of all things. even when we stupidly try to repay you, you go ahead and cover the bill anyway. my thanks will never be enough. but thank you.
Your crush is a nurse. We say stop nursing that crush — pardon the pun — and ask him/her out!
Here are 15 reasons to date a nurse:
1. Nurses are compassionate and patient, and are often great listeners.
2. Nurses are super-smart. If you’re into both brains and beauty, your date can deliver.
3. Tired of nursing that hangover? Let an actual nurse work his/her feel-better magic.
4. Nurses have seen bodies of all shapes and sizes — and witnessed every kind of bodily function imaginable. Your insecurities and body quirks will likely leave your date unfazed.
5. No waiting in line. You’ll get a quick diagnosis every time you feel under the weather.
6. The uniform. It’s not just sexy on Halloween. (Translation: those scrubs just look so cute and comfy.)
7. Impressive nerves. Nurses remain calm and collected in pretty stressful situations. You want to be dating a nurse in times of emergency and chaos.
8. Nurses work long hours. So if you want a little alone time, a nurse’s crazy schedule might suit you just fine. (Also, with odd hours come odd date times. Monday afternoon might become the new Friday night.)
9. Nurses make great future parents. No pressure or anything.
10. You’ll be safe. Date a nurse and you’ve got instant access to CPR, safety advice and disease-prevention tips.
11. Awesome “How was your day?” stories. Nurses have endless tales of patient and/or doctor drama.
12. You’ll start to understand the medical jargon on your favorite medical dramas.
13. Nurses will love your thoughtful gestures. They give to others all day and can often feel unappreciated.
14. Nurses understand selflessness, one of the key ingredients to a healthy relationship.
- how is there not enough hours in the day? and how do i find myself busy again and again?
- every time i drive through LA to get to different destinations, i get a completely new sense of the areas i pass. today, i drove into and through beverly hills, parked my car, and walked down rodeo drive to get to the beverly wilshire hotel. which was incredibly swanky. and fully catered :D super swank. w0w. still amazed by the swank.
- people are such interesting and complex creatures. it is fun for me to try to simplify and reduce them in my head. figure them out, if you will. but the best things are the unexpecteds— people who surprise me.
- im surprised and a bit disappointed by how weight-conscious i am. i’ve been eating a surprisingly large amount while i’m here and gaining at a shamefully rapid rate. i need to simmer down……. but people keep visiting from out of town and so we go out to eat, there is a potluck on thursday, and then i am heading to SF for a wedding weekend. merp.
- LOVE THE GIVER, NOT THE GIFTS. i can say this until i am blue in the face but man, i was just thinking about how thankful i was about how god has been providing for me in this tough time…………….. and just wondered if i would feel any different without his gifts this week.
- i love my family.
- i can see why solomon prayed for wisdom……………. what a powerful gift. i pray for wisdom for so many of my friends who have to make tough decisions about schools, future plans, seeking mentors, applying for further education, relationships, etc.
- i can see the signs of falling into comfort again. may the lord keep me on my toes and clinging on his every word. w0w that is a scary prayer.
- i think i finally found a church i want to commit to! but i cant even go to anything this week bc of the wedding… whoops!
- heard a pastor say this weekend that god also had an addictive personality and that as we are made in his image, it would explain our addictions as well. it’s just that our addictions are misplaced. but in him, they are divine. i want to center my addictions on christ. i want i want i want.
- me me me.
- my my my.
- hush, puppy!
- big dogs are gorgeous. i have to admit, i lose a little bit of respect for guys with little dogs. unless they are dachshunds, puppies, or beagle mixes.
- artichokes— first of all, if you have never one except on top of your pizza or on salad, you will be surprised and should head to your nearest google images tab and look it up— have a really pretty purplish flower in the center, but the petals are super spiky and might take you off guard!
- damn, it feels good to be a gangster.
- ellen degeneres is a cool lady.
- i like making friends with “workers”. aka the server at the four seasons. or the sales rep at michael kors.
- dehydrated black garlic is AWESOME. and apparently super healthy.
- dehydrated bananas, on the other hand, are not quite the same thing as banana chips. and certainly not as tasty.
i try not to put too much stock in ceremonies and formalities, especially after what i’ve learned from trying to force my mother to verbalize her love for me.
but this is one ceremony that i am crushed i cannot get back.
it is one of the first thoughts that pop in my head when things are not right with my brother and i, and one of the biggest motivating factors to patch things up right away with him. i want him to walk me down the aisle. and i want him to want to. and i want it to be special for both of us. bc then maybe just maybe it would be okay that my dad didnt do it like he would have wanted to.
went to my first small group today and when i came out, i realized a car parked behind me had hit and dented my bumper. someone from the small group called a friend to run the plates on the car that hit me and the car is actually impounded…
i left a note on the windshield… but most likely the guy will not call.
all i want to do is call people on the east coast……………. darn this time difference. i am sad.
one day, i was sick of eating the same thing for lunch every day but had made a bunch of the kale/thai curry chicken/noodle concoction so i made lunch for roommate A (roommate B is vegetarian).
today, roommate A made dinner for roommate B.
i couldnt help but feel left out and sad.
petty, i suppose.
there are certain life circumstances that keep pushing them away from me and me away from them.
on sundays, i leave for church and dont come back til later, so they go hiking together and make dinner. in the evening, i will get a phone call or make one and miss out on just sitting together. they like TV, so they will watch weird shows together. i need my alone time, so sometimes i will prefer to sit alone. i am not white.
It is nuts how different we all are, how random it is that we found each other, and how bizarre all of our stories are…
I don’t know sometimes I can’t wrap my mind around it. I’ve always lived with people I was pretty close to so it blows my mind the fact that they know nothing— absolutely nothing— about me. And whatever they see of me now, they are making big judgments at a time, trying to figure out who I am.
i guess this is life after college now? how we don’t have the time or luxury of walking miles side by side to understand the people we meet now. and what they see is what they will choose to believe and base judgments on. ahhh its intimidating!
they are also very lonely i can tell. which might be why they are more judging? i dont know to be honest…
all i can say is that ive felt pretty uncomfortable in the last few days since i havent been around as much and staying in tonight and confronting them has helped. except that i am off again tomorrow at 10am and dont know when i will be back. i hate being busy but i dont know why, i am always like this. it is just that in the past, ive roomed with good friends so they all know and understand that i am just like this… but i guess these are strangers. i have lived here for two nights. we have met in person for about a week. they have nothing to base their opinions of me off of except these last few absent days…………… :-/ i wonder what impression i am leaving…………
except not really family bc my family is not on tumblr heh heh…
it has [almost] exactly been a week since ive been out here in cali alone. i am still homeless, so i still feel like it is just a temporary nomad trip. at this point, i am beyond sick of feeling like a nomad. i make a pretty good nomad, might i add, bc i am pretty easy to please and can sleep anywhere and eat anything. i’m also kind of like an amoeba in that i can talk to just about anyone about just about anything— that is— only if i am in the mood. fortunately, i am most of the time.
[the hospital is the building to the left and right that you cannot see hahaha]
i enjoy spending time with cindy’s parents. they are very gracious and kind hearted :D i imagine this is what spending time with MY parents would be if it were possible… it does make me a little uncomfortable when they compliment me though. i am sure they would not say these same things if they knew what a rotten person i was hahah :/
[bellaggio fountains! cooler than on oceans thirteen :P]
i have met both of my future roommates now and think our living situation [ugh, if we ever get it figured out!!] will be rather interesting. they are both very different but similar at the same time. definitely more on the patronizing spectrum of the white people variety, but i guess i am just as patronizing when i play dumb for them.
[at the dodger’s game with my double big. really sick seats— thanks JU!!! :)]
i have so far visited two churches and was surprised by both. i noticed i tend to judge the church before i go based on who recommended me. someone whose opinion i do not value as much (LOL sorry dude— harsh truth— nothing personal) suggested church A; a pastor who’s reputation i was more familiar with had moved to church B. ironically, i found the message at church A to resonate more in my life than church B. still, these were only one-time visits and the sermon is just one aspect of a church, so i will continue to look around and visit church C as well.
[ugh……. seriously though— kinda really super sick of in n out already hahah]
house hunting is very stressful… we have since been denied by two really great homes. it is hard to stay encouraged and hopeful without lowering standards or compromising values(?) in this tough market hahah. it is also hard to work with the other two girls, to whom money does not seem like much but an object to them. i know i am frugal to a fault and it was actually my goal to work on that these next two years— living by god’s provisions and not my own earthly stores… but it is harder to switch overnight than i thought. maybe these roommates were hand picked for this reason haha…
i am excited to start working and just get out there and do what i came here to do. but this whole finding a home and settling in before work starts thing is really looming over my head and keeping me from investing myself in california in terms of people, eating habits, exercise, church relationships, everything…
[ :) ]
i tell the little ones that i miss philly and that i miss them, but i make sure to be careful not to say that i miss penn. because for some funny reason, i dont. not just yet. i am very excited for them and am jealous of the opportunities and adventures ahead of them ^^ i never realized how bubbled i was within rcf until i had to make sure that i fed myself in “the real world” and have only a few select people with whom i can talk about my spiritual life now. but actually i feel as if i am adjusting well because the people who really kept me accountable i still keep in touch with :) more or less… hahahah [TH&EJ; 3Ps]
[venetian’s trevi fountain hehehe need to put side by side pictures of italy trip]
how can i bring god more glory in my life?
i feel like it would be so easy to just… coast along right now like i am. stagnant. complacent. fooling no one but myself… actually pretty sure im fooling a lot of people around me too hahah
PTL i got my period today. now, you may be wondering why this is blog-worthy… but wow, i have never been happier to get my period. it is my second one for 2013. isn’t that absurd?? the first one was in july, making that the first one in 7 months.
they say stress can affect your cycle. and now it makes sense because i was a wholeeee lot unstressed after i took my nclex, went off to europe, and now im in LA looking for housing and stuff but that stressed… and babam! period :)
all that to say, wow, never thought the day would come where i would be happy to get my period. but praise the lord that i am not infertile and apparently no longer stressed :D
god’s lessons come in themes and this summer’s theme has to be lost sheep.
i just finished the prodigal god by timothy keller and the part about the true elder brother convicted me a lot. jesus (and tim keller) reminds us of the story of cain and abel— in which god commands, “You are your brother’s keeper.”
but i haven’t been a good enough keeper.
i can barely be a “keeper” to my biological brother. how can you put that burden on me to be one to the hundreds of lost sheep i encounter each day?
and if i, being someone who loves her biological brother so dearly, cannot even manage to run after him and bring him home, who can i expect to run after me and bring me home once ive strayed?
i’m so scared.
after i read the news article, my heart started pounding, i started sweating, and got really panicky. this matter is so urgent. where do i begin? who do i begin with? i always feel like i have to begin with myself— so then i never get started bc i am such a mess myself
my heart breaks for these friends who i once shared life with.
and for one in particular… i know it is cocky of me to think i could have made a difference. and im not saying at all that i could have. but it just kills me to know you lied to me all along. and now i dont know how ill talk to you or if ill see you or how you’re dealing with it all.
north philly, south philly, lots of different phillys. rittenhouse, pennsport, chinatown, fishtown, northern liberties, graduate hospital.
neighborhoods. looking at los angeles real estate opened my eyes to a whole new list of neighborhoods.
los feliz, silver lake, little armenia, west hollywood, north hollywood, wiltshire, mid-wiltshire…
made me think of things humanity has in common.
a sense of identity. especially, rooted in something larger than you. maybe this can give you a sense of history as well. to know that you come from and belong to a legacy that lends some credence to maybe who you are or where you draw your likeness from. people you have something in common with. which leads us to:
connecting. maybe everyone deep down is lonely. those who arent have found ways to replace their solitude with close friends, family, activities, religion, passions, what have you. some people even fix it with the act of connecting, itself. after all, connecting with other people makes the world seem smaller, and in a way, less lonely.
security. or should i say insecurity? kind of goes along with identity, but is slightly different because you could put your identity and security in different things. when i think of security, i think more along the lines of putting your security in finances, attention from opposite gender, affection from parents, etc.
thats all i have so far.
unfortunately, i have a limited scope of reference so this may be horridly inaccurate. what amazes me is even through traveling and meeting people of the international community, still i am only able to get a generalized middle class perspective. sure, that middle class can range from bottom to top— but it is still just the bell of that curve. an incomplete spectrum. even in today’s high-tech-low-effort-widely-spread-and-communicating world, you can cross country borders but you can’t cross social strata.
“Frequently the oldest sibling in a family is the parent-pleaser, the responsible one who obeys the parental standards. The younger sibling tends to be the rebel, a free spirit who prefers the company and admiration of peers. The first child grows up, takes a conventional job, and settles down near Mom and Dad, while the younger sibling goes off to live in the hip-shabby neighborhoods of New York and Los Angeles.”—
so many things to process, dont know where to begin. story of my life, eh? story of this blog at least… hah.
i learn a lot through talking. with people, at people, to people, for people— whatever. that’s why i dont think i could ever fully be an introvert. how would i learn? sure, i learned a lot while solo traveling— but always by my experiences with other people. this is not to say time alone and reflection time is not essential— because even for extroverts, processing time is key. but in terms of bouncing ideas back and forth, people are invaluable resources.
and even if they are not, i still learn a lot from them. i learn what kind of people are not as desirable for extracting information and how they got to be this way. HAHA. you think im kidding but im not…
after today’s “bouncing back and forth”, i’ve re-realized something and resolved to change.
i see too black and white and need to learn to be in the gray.
or maybe i dont? i dont know but society tells us to keep the important things black and white but everything else can be gray. that’s the way to mesh best with people and blah blah blah. i think it’s true. but then again… when did i start to do things because society said it was better? am i compromising my morals? probably not. let’s gray things up for a bit.
Haven’t touched tumblr in awhile but just wanted to remember the last six or seven hours:
Got off the plane from Budapest to Paris at 20:10. 10 hour night layover so I just planned to sleep at the gate and make my 8:30 connection. Two people stopped me and said the terminal was closing and it was forbidden for me to stay in the airport and to find a hotel. By this time, public transport is down and cab is only option. I know bc I was stuck here on the way over (except that time we got hotel validation bc it was the airlines fault).
I pray for shelter and run away.
After about an hour of walking from terminal to terminal I find this next to the train: okay I can’t insert pictures from my phone but ill do it later hahah. It is an old cable car used as a decorative children’s thing?
I hide there for the night. Every time footsteps passed I got so nervous I prayed not to be discovered. I felt like I had an invisibility cloak.
I was really cold and then the AC turned off and I got so warm I started sweating.
There was a butthole mosquito that I couldn’t swat bc the security guy might notice, but I killed it on the 7th bite.
I had to pee really bad but they opened a nearby terminal and now I have climbed out of my cable car cave to charge my nearly dead phone.
Still have a little over 3 hours to kill, but I sure am thankful.
Almost home free…!
Good lookin out, pops. Gracias, grazie, and kosonom.
We all do it— some, more than others— but we all have at one point comforted and reassured ourselves in conflict situations that we, though not faultless, have been served an even greater injustice (or so we think). We either demand the offender’s head on a stick (I’ve been watching too much Game of Thrones) or we absorb the assault in exchange for recognition— because, you see— we took the “high[er] road”.
As I dwell longer and longer on the situation, I don’t care who is at fault or who is to blame. I just want to make peace and love freely again. There are selfish motives and character flaws involved because yes, I will not feel comfortable until the other person is comfortable, and no, it does not occur to me that maybe they are better off without me. [but alas, I digress. back to the point…]
I put my haphazardly trained conflict resolution skills to work. Keeping my pride at bay, I resolve to apologize— in essence, to “absorb the assault” (high road!) … but … “in exchange for recognition” (sigh. off the road). From whom [do I seek recognition]? If it is from the offender, there is pride and bitterness. If it is from others, there is gossip. If it is from God, there is an incomplete and completely errant view of grace and mercy. It does not matter. There is no true absorption.
So what’s a girl to do? No one can truly absorb but The Father himself! Everyone knows that. So… what can I do? I guess this is the total depravity part. On one hand, I want to do the right thing… but I am hard wired to do the direct opposite. All I can think to do is pray for change. More grace, more mercy, more strength courage humility healing…
But the hardest of all is when the offender does not believe in change— specifically, my change. The offender is jaded by my failed attempts to change and indignantly lets the “this is the last straw” mentality permeate their every thought: past, present, and future. This is sure to set me up for failure the next time, next next time, and next next next time. So what is a girl to do? There is a reason negative reinforcement is not considered best practice. If you expect me to fail, set me up to fail, and point out my failure when I fail, where is my motivation to succeed? To even try?
This is my biggest hindrance. This is my biggest challenge. And this is my victim mentality speaking.
I cannot do this on my own. The scars are building and I, too, am growing weary— this time, of the offender’s change. Maybe I have changed, but the offender suppresses this by denying it. I guess that is not true change, then…
Will it work if I keep trying but failing to reabsorb? Or will it reinforce the offender’s entitlement to reabsorption? But in this view, withholding reabsorption would reflect a heart of reprimand and rebuke. Who am I to try to “teach a lesson” to others? I cannot cast the first stone. Or any for that matter…
So what’s a girl to do?
Change begins with me.
Lord, take the plank of out my eye. And take my heart of stone too, please… I’m sorry.
“How you respond to the troubles in your life will go a long way toward whether or not you ever, ever, ever develop courage, ever develop patience, ever develop compassion, ever develop sobriety and humility, ever develop any of those things. Don’t waste your sorrows.”—TK (via lukeykim)
- when i get really nervous or anxious i get nauseous. do all those words rhyme?
- justice vs. mercy? this has been on my mind too much. need to remember the cross some more.
- met a new associate pastor at my home church for the first time. wish i stuck around long enough to talk healthcare work with him. similar vision!
- i have gained 2.5kg since my arrival in georgia. yes, my mom still uses the same kg scale we brought fresh off the boat from the motherland.
- ran into my middle school best friend at atlantic station. she is engaged.
- words become seeds. fact.
- glad to be rid of all these people who dont care about basketball pretending like they care about basketball. i actually watched all the games by myself because i didnt want to have to listen to you all night. whoops. sorry not sorry.
- but now for the boringest season of sports… :-/
- ate a 4-person patbingsoo by myself. yolo.
- got new glasses.
- i dont really enjoy tv that much… but im trying really hard to fake enthusiasm so that i can share common interest with my siblings.
- myers briggs test is AWESOME. hehe.
- started my first wave of missing philly……….
- just reworded/deleted/edited this list to take out anything that might share more about others than about myself. i have no filter so sometimes i forget that other people do.
- after my test im going to:
eat with jy
eat with mh
eat with mb
clean the house
pack for july
look for roommate/apartment/used car/churches in la
- so many first world problems this week. i actually do not think these are better problems to have. wow, what a first world response.
- my mom had to grocery shop three times in one week. she is inconvenienced by my eating capacity.
- peoples’ overconfidence in me unsettles me. the past is not a justification for what is to come in the future. it is more effective if you reassure me of god’s provisions.
- i eat way too much here.
- i am a bad texter bc i dont want to be rude and text while i am with company. but wow, i never realized how OBNOXIOUS it was until i realized someone was just as bad as i. sorry yall. i will change. young adult resolution #1 !
- started game of thrones. my sister and i took the character/personality quizzes until we got characters we liked HAHA
- been cooking for my family this week. they say my palette has changed since ive been away… :(
- met a guy who has one of those plastic corn skewer things. so white.
- i like to guess.
- young adult resolution #2: try to not say every thought in my head
- i hate to love the french and japanese. but i love them oh so very much.
- there does not always have to be a loser. but in seeking to be first, you make someone last.
- i like that song “beautiful” — but only the part without mariah carey
- i would like to pick the mind(?) brain(?) of a civic engineer.
- this is the first father’s day in five years that i am not jealous or bitter of everyone else celebrating with their fathers. enjoy your fathers, people <3
In the past, I used to reject my emotional side as a sign of weakness. So much so that my pride would reject my rejection of my emotions.
Today, I had dinner with an old friend and a new one. They pointed out my emotional side and I was startled by their observation. You see, I was venting about suffering and injustice and who’s view of justice and Korea and pain and shame and judgment and blah that I didn’t realize I was flailing my arms and knocked my phone off the table and under a car. Whoops.
It wasn’t until just now, as I drew so many emotions from the book I’m reading, that I realized: I enjoy feeling. Even sadness. I think I enjoy the process of processing emotions. All but maybe anger. Anger, I could live without. Okay maybe envy, too. But everything else I think I welcome.
But actually, maybe above feeling, I enjoy thinking about feeling.
Heart or brain?
I don’t know.
So many useless thoughts… Sometimes I feel like I’m just full of hot gas.
Lord, i know you work in mysterious ways. i know you are good and perfect and holy and just. i know you are who you are. and that is just it— you are.
but abba father, sometimes i just dont get it.
i think i internalize things too much… often times, bad news affects me more than the people it is actually bad for. my day started off with news from the philly building collapse. immediately my heart wrenched for the people still stuck, people injured, and their families. then, i thought how often i walked past that building and at 10:30am on a wednesday morning, i could VERY easily have been there had i stuck around in philly. i texted everyone who lived or worked on 22nd street, thinking the worst of all possible scenarios. then, i thought how easily the roof over my head could collapse at any second and it would be someone else praying for me, my family, and sighing relief that it was not they themselves.
pretty twisted chain of thought, eh?
i had dinner with an old friend. it hurt to recall all the good times we had growing up. these were the first new friends i made in georgia. we spent a good part of the night reminiscing on what brats we were, the super intimidating and bullying but super tight girl clique we had, the catty fights we picked amongst ourselves, but also the undeniably die-hard you-mess-with-one-of-us-and-you-get-the-whole-clan loyalty… and how over the years,
things fell apart.
the only part i remember about that book was the graphic ending… but i wonder if chinua achebe? was that his name? idk i wonder if the african dude was thinking the same thing…….. where did things go wrong? how did we go such different ways?
i hate asking these questions because it so obviously shows that i think i ended up okay and that my friend did not (for the record, this is not the case). half of me thinks that maybe she is in a far better place than i because she is not bullshitting around with god, whereas i can trick myself into thinking everything is gravy when it might not be. but the other half of me really thinks the way things worked out is just not fair.
we grew up together.
it’s just not right.
a product of circumstance, after-school activities, finances, short-term/long-term thinking, parenting, unfortunate situations, and apparently “perfect” planning. all the stars aligned because YOU made them. so why do my stars look different from hers? how are people expected to accept and believe that your plan is perfect and that her stars are aligned perfectly too, when all they can focus on is how different they look? how can i tell her that i did not arrange my stars this way? that if it were up to me and my concept of fair, that my stars would be much dimmer, way out of place, and probably sucked into a deep dark black hole somewhere far far away?
every thought i expressed came too dangerously close to sounding patronizing and full of pity. this could not be further from the truth. if anything, i felt extremely embarrassed and shameful the whole night. (man, i really like to wallow in my own self pity dont i… hahah)
embarrassed and shameful that the only thing i had to my name was my sin. and all the things that they envied, i had neither earned nor deserved.
i guess that should leave me thankful…
but it doesnt.
i will never understand you or your love or your plan or whatever. and i get that that is not my place to know. but wow, arent you sick of all this too? surely you must hurt more than we do. and surely you must feel all of our pain and bitterness and sorrow. why cant you just snap your fingers and make the world a better place? okay, so you cant let jesus come yet because your work is not finished. cool. but cant you blink an eye and let all the unreached peoples know who you are? fine, maybe youre giving us an opportunity to do your work and be blessed and grow through that……….. but why bother when you can just— make it all happen? i dont get it…
i just dont get it.
abba father, have you had enough yet? can you remind her as you remind me right now of how merciful you can be? how you pull through even as we least deserve it? how your are pulling us to you even as we push away? remind us.
can you rededicate if you dont know what you dedicated to in the first place?
i have so many thoughts that are always changing, growing, stubbornly persistent, and i want to remember their progress. maybe it is back to the drawing boards… or tumblr. same thing.
but i have always wanted to avoid making tumblr my personal diary.
thus, i need a theme. i need a point to my blogging. or at least somewhat of an organized point.
for now, i will list random thoughts:
- i just finished anthony bourdain’s kitchen confidential. entertaining. provokative. would’ve made sense to read it years ago, at the start of my fatty calling.
- my family needs to eat healthier and do some sort of physical activity. remember those verb commercials? it’s not something we do…
- my aunt in korea is top three in my god-fearing-women-role-model list.
- thank god for technology in letting me keep in touch with the other two :)
- i fell asleep during both of my graduations. and still dont remember them.
- i would consider myself a pretty passionate person.
- it’s a funny thing to recognize where different people put their pride. so many different places.
- its been a year since ive been home and the prayer board has been updated next to my name: husband. wutwutttt???
- i have to buy a car.
- i can’t sit still. it doesn’t have to be with people, but i have to get around and move for at least an hour every day. for this reason alone, i am so glad i did not resolve to live at home. i think i would’ve shriveled and brought everyone down with me.
- my mom is still one of the greatest cooks i know.
- nursing is SO cruel to schedule boards (NCLEX-RN exam) after graduation. it is nearly impossible to sit down and study. let alone retain information.
- i am super bad at keeping in touch.
- i think i’ve said this before… but i’ve been super blessed by people in my life. in and out, stopping by or in for the long haul. each were hand picked and purposeful.
- my 9th grade bible study teacher made an impression on me for some reason. he was way older than the other cool college seniors/recent grads that taught bible study for youth group kids— but i dont know, he was nice. in 11th grade, when my dad was sick, he cut the grass for us. he had switched churches by then, but i remember he was there for the funeral too. 3 years after that, i found him on facebook and we had dinner. new years was right around the corner and as a parting note, he told me to stop clipping my wings. that was the first thought i ever wrote in my new phone, and the last thought i had when deciding where to make my next move. all it takes is for one person to make one comment. one person to believe in you. not only just saying it genuinely, but putting their trust in you… in a way you can see and feel. something in us just wont let ourselves let them down. cant let them down. or we go down trying.
- i think one of the biggest things i value is genuine-ness. not to be over-simplified as blunt honesty or blind loyalty— albeit, both are also desirable qualities.
- i had been numb to leaving philadelphia for awhile… people would ask, and i would feign emotion. i knew i had it in me somewhere, but i got tired of seeing disappointed faces when my eyes came up dry. so i would whine to cover the losses. but i shed a single tear at the gate before boarding. the start of closure, perhaps? ugh. only to be interrupted by the calling for zone 4. this was the first time in many flights that i qualified for priority boarding (aka before zone 1) and i had missed my chance. sucks to suck :P
- most people have ideas what they want their wedding to look like……………… i dont really have a clue. but i do want it to smell like werther’s butterscotch candy.
- dear sweet baby jesus, i feel simultaneously far and close from you right now. it is a weird place to be.