today is my first mental health half-day in a very very long time.
on my walk back home, i saw this stenciling on the stairs. it happened sometime between november and january. i saw it, took a picture, walked on. “oh that’s nice.”
somewhere along the walk, i started thinking about all these things i was going to update my adoring tumblr fans (jk! seriously i am just kidding all two of you who read this). some of you know just a little bit about whats going on, some of you know a lot. some of you haven’t a clue.
i thought about starting from the beginning, talking about difficulties with roommate A, transitioning from student life to employee life, struggling to find my niche in my community, picking a community, committing to a community, juggling friendships here and back home, juggling relationships, family dynamics, paying bills, responsibilities of someone’s life in my hands, social cues, dry spiritual life, gang/tagging activity, difficulties with roommate B, recent change of events with unstable living situation, yadda yadda yadda.
but i think that would just be diary-like.
so instead, i would just like to remind myself of a few things.
self, breathe in, and breathe out.
self, you are loved. you are bought. you are freed.
self, this is how your life would look different if you would truly understand christ.
- peace about housing. no matter how bad things got, i would always thank god for at least the food on the table and the roof over my head. recently, i had a change in circumstances that threatened both things. it drove my anxiety through the roof and made me a tad emotionally unstable. the last few days, when i finally got a chance to notice life happening outside of my tiny brain bubble, i was super humbled. living in los angeles and working as a nurse in the pediatric intensive care unit, i see poverty, malnutrition, and critical illness every. single. day. though my situation is temporarily stressful and unstable, there are countless people with whom i have crossed paths, who i am sure would like very much to be in my shoes. this too shall pass. but most importantly, even if it does not, i have christ. and he has me.
- joy in my circumstances. in addition to peace, if i truly made christ my all, i could let go of all my sadness, hurt, frustration, anxiety, anger, indignant bitterness, and depression. if the source of my joy is christ himself, then my heart shall not waver when things dont go “according to [my] plan”. my heart would be free of all these black soul sucking emotions. my heart would be light. my heart would sing praise to thee.
- love for those who are hard to love. hard to love is one way to put it. rotten garbage of a person who i wish to pummel to the ground is another. i have tried really really hard to discuss and amend recent tensions. even when i didnt think she deserved it, i tried to reconcile again and again. i say i dont care, but it hurts me deeply. i am angry with the way she has dealt with me. but i can show her love by continuing to have a posture of reconciliation. forgiveness. it does not mean we have to reconcile. because now the ball is in her court and if she refuses to amend, that is that. may she and her mother learn sooner than later that they are living in a completely alternate reality.
- be willing to “lose” a little bit. so neh bwah. i cannot let things go, especially when it comes to things pertaining to finances. my roommate refuses to pay for utilities and on principal i cannot let it go. it is going to cost me an absurd amount to break the lease early, and i would do anything to minimize the loss of that $1200 and additional penalties. i feel like i need to get the best deal for housing and even if there are decent options, i will keep prying to get an even better deal. in my wharton negotiation class, the biggest thing i learned was to “leave a little bit”. by that, prof rosner meant that a deal does not always have to be win-lose. even if it means getting a slightly not as good deal, you should always leave a little room for both parties to feel like they got a win-win. that is a good deal. when i think about why i am so greedy and insecure with my finances, it always points to a misunderstanding of his provisions. self, get a grip! has he not always provided for you? has he not provided you an education you never thought you could afford, a family you never thought could survive after your dad passed, and a job you never thought youd get?
- generosity. when the going gets tough, the first thing i do is make myself the charity case. similar concept as before. stop being so greedy. your family does not expect you to contribute. your obligation is to your god and his people.
- stop that. that thing.
okay i have to go or i will be late. but that is a start. self, you did good today.
love appreciation and gratitude.
for where i have been
for who i am
for where i am going.