yesterday i realized some rather startling truths about myself.
- wow, i’ve been really bad at loving people lately. so bad that someone could not tell what my love language was because they didn’t know if they were being loved. by the end of the night, i started to understand just how horrendous and ugly i have become inside. and until i can accept the grace from above and start to love myself again, i don’t think i will be very effective at loving others. lord, let your love flow down naturally and abundantly through me. soften my heart of stone. purify it and refresh it. restore it.
- i’ve been unintentionally doing this thing where i want to be others’ best friend but cannot necessarily keep up with them being my best friend. if that makes sense. it never occurred to me that i may have been doing that. it is not malicious in any way……… but it not only hurts me when i cannot fulfill my expectations of wanting to be their best friend, but it also hurts them when i cannot fulfill their expectations of me reciprocating the level of friendship i had cultivated with them. if that makes sense. how selfish. and arrogant. lord, help me to be more intentional with my friendships. help me to let go of worldly desires to feed my heart with love from people.
- i am just twenty-two. people expect a lot out of me because of this mature facade i have been asked to put on since i was… well, even younger. but they forget that no matter how many life experiences may have pushed me to be more responsible than my same-age-peers, i am still just an accident-prone, immature, indecisive, scared, home-sick, and clueless college graduate. lord, help me to not live in fear of disappointing others or making mistakes— understanding that you are the only one whose approval i seek.
- i take my closest friends’ time for granted. i am horrible at communication— especially long distance. the people closest to me live on the opposite side of the country— literally the opposite corner. and i cant seem to get it together to spend time with them. i miss you guys.
- i am definitely a ‘love me’ but tend to offend others by coming across as a ‘like me’. that makes me sad that i am contributing to my own misrepresentation. countless times people have maybe been intimidated or hurt by my like me exterior, not knowing that i am also intimidated and hurt by my unrequited love me interior. how do i fix this?
- someone shared this in small group and it resonated so true to me too… i think about praying about certain topics and trick myself into thinking that just thinking about praying about these things is just as good as actually praying for them so then i dont actually end up putting time aside to pray for the topics when in reality, all i did was think about praying for them. HEHe. get it? -__-”
alright… so i’ve babbled on enough.
also, i need better quality sleep.
dont know how you guys put up with a monster like me…………. but i am seriously grateful.