life is weird.
i am used to being able to see my life in phases pass before my eyes. i can usually see the generic steps that i must pass to get to the next phase. not necessarily decisions i must make but big picture things. where i see myself in a few years, few decades, etc.
but right now it appears there are multiple forks in the road.
i’m not really at a place of decision-making. rather, i feel like i am at the bottom of the page of an R. L. Stine “create-your-own-ending” goosebump series book where each prong of the fork will take me to more prongs and more prongs, each ending looking so different from the other.
rest assured, there is only one ending for me and that has already been decided. whew. but the middle parts are all a blur. this is new for me.
i wish i didnt wish to know.
he is real!!!!!!
this sunday, i had communion with god. real communion. for the first time in a long, long, time. stale crackers and grape juice never tasted so sweet!
still, things keep coming up that test my recent freedom… yet i stand strong at the moment. grace is not only pardon but power.
"If “works” wants the satisfaction of feeling itself overcome an obstacle, “faith” savors the satisfaction of feeling God overcome an obstacle. Works longs for the joy of being glorified as capable, strong, and smart. Faith longs for the joy of seeing God glorified for his capability, strength, and wisdom."
There has been a turn of events in my life yet again. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I think and fear that this will be another one of those pivotal moments that make me who I am today. Or maybe the transition will be seamless and all this worry would be for naught. God, I hope it is the latter.
Just when I start to feel like the world makes sense and is as it should be, god has a way of reminding me to never stop chasing him. Never let your guard down. At least not against the devil.
Initially, the news washed over me like I imagine a flame coating a dry log. It almost looks like a very thin and flimsy blanket.
I could feel it coat me.
But I did not want to wear this layer.
God is crazy. And he does crazy things. He have me his coat instead. I feel immune to the flame still. I know it is lingering but it is not burning me. I can feel how dangerously close it is though. But the assurance of this fire-proof jacket encourages me to keep denying that the fire will consume me.
I was begging my mom to pray with expectation. To pray with resolve and to pray with hope. To pray with fervor and to pray with power. She refused and said she has lost hope…
And again I was so encouraged. The darkest thing in my life that I never thought would see light………. Even a month ago, the progress was meek and dim. But yesterday and today and tomorrow feels so close to extinction. I cannot wait to eradicate this sin from my life and be free from it’s grasp. There is no way Jose that that is me overcoming that obstacle. Mostly because my attempts to try were so half assed. But man oh man. God is overcoming that obstacle. Sure, I am a work in progress, but progressing I am. A modern day miracle!
All this to say…….. That even the situation at hand, I believe that god can overcome. He who is cleaning out the darkest part of me can surely see my family through this time.
(It sounds more dramatic bc it is vague. I do apologize.)
God is big.
God is big.
I hope you can feel his coat on yourself too.
every once in awhile, i feel like writing a journal entry just about my day. and i can. so i will.
today i woke up and thought of my friend. luckily, my friend was available and we talked on the phone until we could no longer. i dragged myself out of bed, had a breakfast of champions, and after stalling for a good two hours, headed to santa monica to the shoe store i have been trying to get to since may. i invested in running shoes that will hopefully get me on the road more. yay :D
google map says it will take me twice as long to get home bc of traffic. BLEGh. serves me right for getting a late start on my day. i noticed on the map that i was near a bakery ive been meaning to try and stopped by. meanwhile, i texted my friend who i havent seen since he moved out here approx four months ago. i couldn’t decide between two pastries— so naturally, i got both. and headed to the gym where my friend was.
he let me in with his guest pass to the equinox. where we proceeded to chow down on the dessert i brought. fake stretch. then head to yoga. first time in a long time. such a good stretch! i felt like i just got a massage. i checked out his new place. pretty sick set up. met my future dog. greater swiss mountain dog!!!! perfect combination of mean and friendly for a big dog.
we headed to dinner. not quite on my list but def on my radar. highlight dishes = tuna tartar, scallop ceviche, and crispy tuna tacu tacu.
interjection: this friend that i met up with… we have quite an interesting story. i’m not about to get into that right now… but i will say that we talked about christ and he is very curious. moreso desperate for anything to quench his thirst…… but curious nonetheless. he is going to try to come out to church with me. talking about jesus in that way with this friend was rather encouraging just to be reminded of how real jesus is in my life. that has been a theme actually for the last two weeks…… but anyway. back to my day…
came home to a very unexpected post card from a friend. put the biggest smile on my face.
it was a great day.
really unplanned and super casual.
i wish you were here.
i hope you are well wherever you are doing whatever you are doing. i haven’t prayed for you in awhile. i hope god is doing cool things with you.
i loveeee laundry day. and i loveeeeee vacuum day. but i really like when they fall on the same day. today was laundry and vacuum day. yay.
and i mean this in the most not sad way possible.
because i’m really not sad right now.
in fact, i’m feeling rather positive.
but for some reason on the days that i just want to sit and reflect on all that has happened… i have conversation after conversation of such deep intellectually stimulating caliber that i cannot keep up with all the processing.
today, after dinner, i had an incredibly insightful conversation with a friend about my emotions and feelings and practical next steps. i resolved to sit down and a write a letter to someone so as to not forget what we talked about.
but before i could even begin, my best friend from philly called and we caught up over 2.5hrs… without even going into detail what has happened in our lives since the last time we spoke two months ago. all we did was have existential crisis after existential crisis, talking about anything from processing and feeling, observing, thinking, walking, surviving zombie apocolypses for jesus, trying to decipher and discern real friendships with real people worth fighting the good fight with, and apologizing and healing for our past.
some people fit molds and motifs. others have quirky subtleties and nuances. all in all, it is crazy how things in our past so tangibly and distinctly shape who we are today.
even this. even now.
without love, there is nothing.
there is nothing without love.
"any final words?"
"i’m proud of you"
the last five years with you have been quite unique. yes, there were many times of pain. and faults with no one to blame. but man oh man these times are not all for naught. up until last week i thought i would look back on these times with regret and a tainted taste in my mouth… but i feel nothing but hope. hope for the purpose that is to come from this not accidental encounter. with great power comes great responsibility. and we are all just training to be something greater. you have shaped so much of who i am today and helped me process so many thoughts. you’ve inceptioned so much into me too… but only what i let you inception. because you see, just as a guy who knows he is capable of evil is the least evil of them all, one who is aware of how she is being inceptioned is actually the least impressionable of them all.
this is all rather vague. and because our memories will fail us, there will be a day when this post means absolutely nothing to us. because we will forget all the illusions and allusions mentioned here. but one thing you said i think is for certain.
i think we will be friends forever.
this friendship we have is rare.
i had my doubts. i honestly had my doubts hahahah…… but i think a part of me and my five year ago youthful self died recently. and with that died a lot of……. maybe the word is calculation. this new layer of skin is rather refreshingly light and easy.
this feeling will not last.
this positivity and hope will not last.
the toils of work, stress, people, disappointment, fear, and vulnerability will get to me i’m sure. but for today and tonight, i would like to remember how far i’ve come. and how far i have yet to go.
thank you for being a part of this journey.
those are my final words.
the city i live in
the city of angels
lonely as i am
together we cry
"better to have and to have lost than to have never had at all"
just wanted to thank you for reminding me…
- teamwork is not dead. i thought teamwork was a frivolous connection once encountered in my youth. i thought teamwork was a fluke. like it wasn’t actually real, but fabricated in my mind and reinforced through memories and time……………… but it turns out it is real. and it is possible. and it gives me hope that there are others who are all about the teamwork.
- there are things worth fighting for. becoming complacent and settling are products of laziness and not the only options. it doesn’t mean you make me want to fight, but you just reminded me that you don’t have to play with the cards with which you are dealt.
- time will tell. the test of time may be simple, but it is not one to be minimized. no need to speculate, make excuses, rush, rationalize, hypothesize, or counter already. just wait and see. patience is a virtue for a reason.
- with that said, timing is everything. i knew that before, but there’s nothing like scheduling conflicts to remind me that ultimately i’m on someone else’s schedule not my own.
- how good it feels to be vulnerable and to feel. yes, it will hurt as humans are so inclined to evil and hurt just as much as they are guaranteed disappointment and pain. but, it feels worth it to me today. at least that is how my friends and i feel… might not be true. heh. i’ve been living so long with a heart of stone, purposefully rejecting time to be still and to feel. i forgot what it meant to feel again. what it meant to remember my past. what it means to embrace the pain and growth. what it means to hope for better times. what it means to share this with others.
- y mas. pero para luego.
for as long as you are not my source of joy, i will feel relentless disappointment and pain.
sure, i could blame a lot of things… but at the core, i know i am at fault.
still, today i’d like to blame consistency. or rather, lack thereof.
consistency and stability. those are two traits i really admire and respect in others. as free spirited and looseygoosey as i am, i am forever envious of those who have the routine down. it doesn’t have to look unspontaneous. rather, it gives people the liberty to be truly spontaneous. because they have those deep deep stable and constant roots.
due to my nursing schedule, i lack a lot of consistency even in my daily routine, weekly work schedule, sleeping patterns, eating habits, errythang. sometimes i work 7am to 7pm. sometimes i work 7pm to 7am. sometimes i sleep all day before a shift. sometimes i cannot fall asleep and end up just eating all day. sometimes i work on sundays. sometimes i work on fridays. sometimes i work on tuesdays. sometimes i work on wednesdays. sometimes i go days without seeing sunlight. sometimes i am so bored at home because i have monday-wednesday off but everyone else is working.
sometimes i pray. sometimes i dont.
a prayerless life is a dark and misguided one indeed. but when my days and nights and sleep and wake times are all askew, how am i to try to discipline myself and find routine?
when i lack consistency in my prayer life, i lack consistency in my relationships, my integrity, my character…
today marks a sad day in my life when i saw how i let my career interrupt my personal life.
"a time and place for everything"
"… the depth and ease of our friendship at this moment…"
"there is no one in my life who i realllllyy dislike, nor is there anyone in my life who i reallllyyyyy like"
lately, i’ve been thinking a lot about friendships and investments of the relational variety. maybe because so much of my life still seems transitional and temporary. i am trying to make the most of it and just “bloom where i am planted” if you will (someone told me that recently actually…), but part of me is still so reluctant to do so.
i know that at this point in my life, LA is still pretty temporary. so when i click well with certain people or am enjoying our friendship at that time and making plans for the future, i all of a sudden remember the frivolousness of my investment. and then i get confused, sad, weary, exhausted, and just sad.
i remember what my friend’s mom had mentioned, that at her age, there is no one in her life who she realllllyy dislikes, nor is there anyone in her life who she reallllyyyyy likes. i believe that will be true of us in the future. it especially helps when i am hurt by certain relationships. but it also holds me back from allowing myself the joy of vulnerability and depth in invested relationships.
i have a friend who is 12 years my senior. i brought the topic up in reflection of our own friendship and my desires to plan all these crazy adventurous things, only to be sobered up by realizing the mental limits i had placed on our friendship. as we were talking about this, he mentioned that at my tender age of 22, it saddens him that thinking about these things makes me hold back from my relationships with people. he says yes, while what that guy’s mom said is true, i should still be out meeting people during the formative years of my youth. (yah okay he didn’t say it like that, but this is my paraphrasing hahaha MERP.)
my 34 year old friend assured me that at this season in both of our lives, there is something natural and easy about our friendship that suits both needs and does not require intervention or re-direction.
i thought that was an interesting concept. a lot of what happens in our lives and what our roles are in other peoples’ lives, we may never know the full repercussions of. also, that we need different things at different seasons of our lives.
lastly, he told me to listen to this song.
i think that i think too much. and i think i fear a lot more than i thought i did.
here’s to being a vulnerable, 22-year-old, wide-eyed and full of life. :)
[woah i woke up like 4 times in the middle of writing this. way too tired to proofread before posting. i wonder if it even makes sense…]