it’s been awhile.
actually, i wrote a pretty significant post about my june-august… and then it got deleted :( and i haven’t a chance to write since.
i’m in yet another internal angsty debate with myself. so here goes the processing. as always, the goal is brevity and clarity. we’ll see how close i get…
as a 22-yr old college graduate with a stable job, i don’t know what my priorities in life should be. nor do i know how much maturity is to be fairly expected of me, due to a combination of life stage, age, and peer interactions. despite the hoards of people who comment on what an “envious” life i live on instagram/fb, i am lonely, insecure, miserable, and confused. every time i think i have resolved to put these emotions away for good and embrace the blessings my god has perfectly planned for me, i am reminded again of how disconnected i feel from myself and the incredible void i feel from a lack of community. my friends from college were in town this past saturday, and i cannot tell you how much relief i felt— it was nice to have friends again, even if it were for one day.
after having talked to a few people, the conclusion i have come to is that my night shift nursing schedule makes it incredibly hard for me to be consistent enough as a person, friend, small group member, church member, neighbor, sister, whatever——— to build a lasting or meaningful community. even if it is not personal, it just is what it is. quantity time leads to quality time and i cannot be there to make the quantity. and so i lack in the quality. the more and more i feel the effects of this, the more pressure i feel to “perform” when i am in a group setting. i am not myself. i feel nervous. i feel insecure. i feel like i have to be awesome in the group so they remember how fun i am and try to include me as often as i can be available outside of the hospital.
i hate it.
that’s not me.
so who am i? and who is it that i am becoming? is there anything i can do to change it?
after talking to a few people, it seems like i have two options:
a) grin and bear through it, put in my two to three years here, go back to school, and hope for a better life with a career change
b) request to switch to day shift, take a pay cut, slow down my career advancement, reduce learning opportunities, and hope for a better life in LA
a fellow night nurse says switching to day shift will make it better because then at least i can hang out with people after 8pm.
i realized i had been holding out on switching to days because i had prioritized career advancement and financial security above community.
but what’s a young adult to do?
that is as far as i want to divulge for today. but i am desperate for answers. kthxbai.