two years.

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Easter.

The $22.50 I spent today were one of the happiest twenty-two dollars and fifty cents I have spent in a long long time. 

An email I received today reminded me how much I’ve been given and invested in. I need to give back and invest more.

Thank you
Jesus
for yesterday
today
tomorrow
and many more chances to be free from the chains of sin
to worship You
to glorify You.

Amen.

the monster…………. is me. :O

yesterday i realized some rather startling truths about myself. 

  1. wow, i’ve been really bad at loving people lately. so bad that someone could not tell what my love language was because they didn’t know if they were being loved. by the end of the night, i started to understand just how horrendous and ugly i have become inside. and until i can accept the grace from above and start to love myself again, i don’t think i will be very effective at loving others. lord, let your love flow down naturally and abundantly through me. soften my heart of stone. purify it and refresh it. restore it.
  2. i’ve been unintentionally doing this thing where i want to be others’ best friend but cannot necessarily keep up with them being my best friend. if that makes sense. it never occurred to me that i may have been doing that. it is not malicious in any way……… but it not only hurts me when i cannot fulfill my expectations of wanting to be their best friend, but it also hurts them when i cannot fulfill their expectations of me reciprocating the level of friendship i had cultivated with them. if that makes sense. how selfish. and arrogant. lord, help me to be more intentional with my friendships. help me to let go of worldly desires to feed my heart with love from people.
  3. i am just twenty-two. people expect a lot out of me because of this mature facade i have been asked to put on since i was… well, even younger. but they forget that no matter how many life experiences may have pushed me to be more responsible than my same-age-peers, i am still just an accident-prone, immature, indecisive, scared, home-sick, and clueless college graduate. lord, help me to not live in fear of disappointing others or making mistakes— understanding that you are the only one whose approval i seek.
  4. i take my closest friends’ time for granted. i am horrible at communication— especially long distance. the people closest to me live on the opposite side of the country— literally the opposite corner. and i cant seem to get it together to spend time with them. i miss you guys.
  5. i am definitely a ‘love me’ but tend to offend others by coming across as a ‘like me’. that makes me sad that i am contributing to my own misrepresentation. countless times people have maybe been intimidated or hurt by my like me exterior, not knowing that i am also intimidated and hurt by my unrequited love me interior. how do i fix this?
  6. someone shared this in small group and it resonated so true to me too… i think about praying about certain topics and trick myself into thinking that just thinking about praying about these things is just as good as actually praying for them so then i dont actually end up putting time aside to pray for the topics when in reality, all i did was think about praying for them. HEHe. get it? -__-”

alright… so i’ve babbled on enough.

also, i need better quality sleep.

dont know how you guys put up with a monster like me…………. but i am seriously grateful.

"Not all those who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien.

Yeah… well in my case, I’m not even wandering. But I’m mad lost.

I’m coming back to the heart of worship
and it’s all about you, it’s all about you Jesus
I’m sorry, Lord, for the things I’ve made it
when it’s all about you, it’s all about you Jesus

'O Lawd have mercy.

I fear that the more I seek you, the more my heart reveals its other wants.

I fear you’re not enough despite what I know and what I’ve been taught and what I’ve seen.

I still fear you’re not enough.

And that nothing I’m doing is working.

It appears I’m waiting for the understanding and compulsion to come before the obedience… But maybe that’s my excuse. Maybe sometimes obedience comes first. Sometimes. Maybe.

oh. dios. mio.

  • oppa status
    so… one of my roommates demanded that i call her unnie. not only that, she asked that i call everyone she calls unnie/oppa, unnie/oppa. she said otherwise i come across as a ssagajii/bitch. in otherwords, she said i had no ssagaji and that i was a bitch. she introduced me to her boyfriend last night “dean oppa”. and i did not feel comfortable calling him oppa so i called him dean. she brought that up today and said he was 15 years my senior and to call him oppa and that it wasnt just her. that all of ktown la was like this and that she was protecting me from people like herself who care bc she was raised right and that she was raised korean.

    ………. hold up. what part of korea are you from, chica? 

    to me, unnie/oppa is a term of endearment in addition to respect. where i come from, you earn a right to call and to be called unnie/oppa. not everyone older than you is an unnie/oppa. that would just be slutty.

    in korea, the first time you meet someone you use the elevated korean, but you dont call them oppa. that comes later when he gives you permission to address him in that way and to lower your words. 

    so no, i do not feel comfortable calling your boyfriend who i just met oppa. he is not an oppa to me. i would use elevated korean though… but we not speaking korean foo! we in freakin amurrica leave me aloneeeeeee
  • right to be embarrassed
    recently, someone asked if i would rather that my boyfriend have explosive anger issues (but that he never hit me) or be a coward. i said anger issues. everyone else chose the latter option, but i couldnt understand why the anger would be such a problem. they asked, “wouldnt you be embarrassed?” i still said no. i still say no.

    but recently, this notion of being embarrassed has reared its ugly head more than i would like to admit. i have a friend who is really embarrassing… he dresses poorly, has mediocre hygiene, crooked teeth, a creepy smile, and eats so barbarically that a barbarian would cringe. and lately it has been making me embarrassed. why??? first of all, what do i care? this guy has nothing to do with me. secondly, even if he did, what do i care???? is hygiene/manners/etiquette that important to me? wow, i guess it is……..

  • patience
    i forgot where i was going with this… but let’s just say i have none. and that i need more of it.

kbye.

loladelphia:

Happy Valentine’s Day from myself and Steve “ESPO” Powers.

Happy vday :b miss you Philly. See you soon.

loladelphia:

Happy Valentine’s Day from myself and Steve “ESPO” Powers.

Happy vday :b miss you Philly. See you soon.

Why I Tried to Kill Myself at Penn

pennmentalhealth:

During my sophomore year at Penn, I tried to kill myself by swallowing a bottle of Wellbutrin. I spent 4 days in the hospital.

Penn’s response? – Sending some administrator to see me in the hospital (HUP). The first and only thing that she said was, “Are we going to make this an annual pattern?”…

Mm.

As true as this is and as shitty as those times were… Gotta say I’m so lucky and blessed to have met the few anomalies who showed me how to love sacrificially.

[merp… fell asleep writing this last night. work in a few hours >.< hello gloria, elena, trina <3 <3 i know i keep saying i owe you guys a long overdue update…………………. but i do. and i will. always thinking of you pretty ladies :)]

ive been awake and active for over 36 hours now… pretty sure thats not okay haha but there’s something about today that was totally quirky and purposeful at the same time.

prayed with two girls from church today. separately. w0w, havent felt that connected with people here in LA… like… ever. hahah. there is something about prayer and intimacy that is just so powerful and pretty much impossible on such short notice without being rooted in christ.

and then, even still, between both praying moments, i slipped and fell again. i dont even know if i blinked twice.

merp.

anyway, got a lot on my mind… shall i attempt to write them out? hm i kinda want to…

  • that guy. i feel like every church has one… and he never knows who he is. mostly because his issue is that he has no knowledge or awareness of social cues. (wait… but actually a lot has to do with people in the church not loving him enough to call him out on it because it will be uncomfortable and not always easy.) or some may even go as far as to say he may have sociopathic tendencies. (okay wait and hes also not totally blameless either. he also must do his part to recognize the consequences of his actions)

    let’s just say for today, this guy is lonely and desperately seeking female companionship. this is the guy that all the girls gossip about and snicker and sneer and say he “creeps them out”. maybe it is my pride talking, but i have a soft spot for these guys. hear me out.

    there are usually two camps of people: those who “feel bad for him” and those who perpetuate his reputation by spreading more gossip about the things he is unaware that he does which make others feel uncomfortable around him. but at the end of the day, he does not need your pity or your slander. he needs, like you and i, love. i get mostly frustrated with the fellow brothers in the church, as i believe it is a bro-to-bro responsibility. if you notice your brother making your sisters uncomfortable, or if your sisters complain about this dude who is a-creepin, how is it not your place to talk to this man out of love, rebuke, and edification? usually, “that guy” does not know what he is doing that is “wrong”, “creepy”, or “socially inappropriate”. 

    but we sisters have a part in this as well. stop talking poopoo behind his back. speak up———- with discretion, of course. make sure it is always with prudence, wisdom, and gentle. 

    otherwise, consider how the current situation plays out now as is. guy creeps. girls get creeped out. girls talk about how creepy this dude is. girls and guys continue to isolate him. he feels more lonesome and outcasted. he finds out or eventually just leaves church feeling shame, embarrassment, pity, etc. or even worse case scenario: he leaves the church altogether, burned by the people he associated with christ.

    dramatic? maybe. but there is another story. i personally have seen what a difference a loving community of fellow broken people can do to someone. 


    ……….. and this is where i left off when i fell asleep writing this last night. sadly, not as fresh in my mind just from one day. heh. 


  • cliques
  • fighting sin/indifference
  • young adult life
  • pride

all those topics deserve their own post maybe. 

dear diary…

how do i make this less a diary?

sad moment: feeling taken advantage of on this next housing lease im about to sign for a year…

happy moment: lego movie was AWESOME.

meaningful moment: new goal of ridding myself of distractions. ive been complaining about going through a dry season… and then complaining that im not complaining about a dry season… and all this talk about being dry and not wanting to do anything about it. but i should do something about not wanting to do anything about it. havent been reading. havent been praying. havent been staying accountable to my lovely sisters who try so hard to keep me accountable. ive been letting them down, letting myself down, and letting god down. i know i keep resolving to remotivate or whatnot without much change…….. but im going to keep resolving until im blue in the face. or until i see some change. and then some.

consuming thought: i am so insecure about my finances that i cannot stand to be taken advantage of or agree to a bad deal.

how to reason out of it: not all deals are quantified by monetary standards. sometimes you just gotta pay more for peace and sanity. this money is not yours to begin with anyway. be thankful for the situation at hand. god is in control. let him bring justice, not you nor your skewed perception of what is fair. god is good. alllllll the time.

things i am thankful for today:

  1. patient friends
  2. roof over my head
  3. food on the table

dear lord,

pardon me. grant me wisdom. or at least grace to cover my foolishness until one day you decide to impart your wisdom unto me. thank you baby jesus. i love you, sir.

your proud, greedy, foolish daughter,
jk

Jack Park | A Cup of Coffee with a Fellow Suicide Attempt Survivor

i am ashamed to admit that it wasnt until the third suicide death at penn since winter break that it hit me what the heck was going on………

ive become so numb to death that it was actually news of a survivor that brought me back to reality. 

whether you are still in college or working or funemployed or between things, whether you are hurting or have hurt or have friends that have hurt or are hurting, whether you recognize your own cries for help or feel so helpless you dont even want to ask, talk to someone. don’t ever let the devil convince you that it’s not worth it or that there is no end to the darkness. 

hope is such a scary thing……………….. take it from someone who once thought she lost it too. 

talk to someone. 

talk to me.

new followers. new content censors. new slant.

had a refreshingly different conversation with someone yesterday. there is something about out-of-towners who really get it… why did i move here? what is it my wanderlusting heart is chasing? this housing drama is not a coincidence, is it? jesus, you’re not just a really big coincidence… right?

on another note, i graduated from my RN residency program!

hmmm what did i learn in the last 22 weeks?

  • good leadership makes a huge difference. the CEO and CNO of the hospital really care about the continual growth, development, and support for the nursing staff. the sincere investment in the nurses, the forefront of patient/family/customer satisfaction, is especially evident by the quality of the RN Residency. i have never before felt so valued not only as a paid worker but a practitioner, an advocate, and an individual. good leaders don’t just delegate and expect efficiency to trickle down. instead, they follow-up and make sure the delegated personnel are supported to function at their utmost. if that means offering hotel rooms to employees who dont feel safe in their immediate accommodations, if that means providing child care for single mothers, if that means bringing therapy dogs to stressed employees, good leaders are willing to do what it takes to keep their employees happy, safe, and prepared. what a logical way to inspire passion and loyalty!
  • be confident. there is nothing to fear but fear itself, eh? i was so scared of killing someone and making a mistake that it actually started to make me unsafe. especially while you have a preceptor, just DO IT. commit. let them watch your back and show you your limits. people smell fear and if you seem the slightest bit unsure, you’ll lose the parents’ trust, doctors’ respect, and spend the rest of your 12 hours trying to earn it back.
  • meanwhile, own your assessments. does that hand grasp seem weaker to you right now than two hours ago? you better be sure because theyre about to drill a hole in that kid’s skull to drain her cerebrospinal fluid. can that child maintain her airway, breathing, and circulation? they might intubate and mechanically ventilate her based on your advocacy. is that child’s pain and sedation adequately managed? because his parents are staring at you while he is crying and alarms are beeping because the drugs arent enough and the docs dont want to do anything about it. !!!!!!!!! know your patient and what is normal and abnormal for their clinical picture.
  • no one can do this alone. you need debriefing time. sometimes— and a lot of times— your super important home people really won’t get it. your coworkers are your best resources. after a tough day, the last thing i want to do is start from zero and explain the pathophysiology of my patient’s diagnosis and pharmacokinetics of my patient’s complex med regimen just so i can eventually get to how my day went and what were all the bumps in the road. i also don’t want to hear “wow, i could never do that. you’re a saint.” or “that sounds so stressful. are you sure this is a good job for you?” or “why couldn’t you just do this? or that? or this and that?” i am not telling you about my day so that i can hear unrealistic praises of me just doing my job description. just because i have a bad day doesnt mean i dont love my job or that it wasnt worth it for the patient. and maybe you are just missing the point of the story. but likely, your coworkers have been there, done that, done worse, done better, and can hear what you are saying behind what you are saying.
  • with that being said, you cannot ignore your loved ones or keep them in the dark. it is not healthy and definitely will cause distance with your closest friends and family. it is not their fault they are not in the medical field and cannot relate. do not punish them by not sharing such a huge part of your life. be patient. (according to a recent huffpo article i read) ask them to ask you better questions
  • get organized. find a routine, and stick to it! 
  • stop being so damn proud. yes, you graduated from the best nursing school in the nation. and yes, you served an externship and worked as a tech at the best children’s hospital in the nation. but guess what— you all hold the same stinkin degree. RN, BSN— doesnt matter what brand name tag your school/profs had. they will be some of the best nurses you will ever meet, and you have so much you can learn from them and their experiences. [dont get me wrong yall, i never thought that i was better than them!!] 
  • keep smiling. :)
  • and lastly, take care of yourself. it is not being selfish. seriously, just do it. protect your off time. you spend all day giving your 100% to strangers. when you get home, your loved ones want your 100% as well but you might have none left to give. naturally, you want to give but remember to save just a tiny bit to yourself so you can be effective and present when you are with others.

there is probably more but im sick of hearing my word vomit and im sure you are too.

i wonder what i would say if my child wanted to become a nurse.

this.

Community Post: The Silver Lining Of Atlanta’s Snowpocalypse 2014

never been prouder to be an ATLien.

breathe in, breathe out.

today is my first mental health half-day in a very very long time.

on my walk back home, i saw this stenciling on the stairs. it happened sometime between november and january. i saw it, took a picture, walked on. “oh that’s nice.” 

somewhere along the walk, i started thinking about all these things i was going to update my adoring tumblr fans (jk! seriously i am just kidding all two of you who read this). some of you know just a little bit about whats going on, some of you know a lot. some of you haven’t a clue.

i thought about starting from the beginning, talking about difficulties with roommate A, transitioning from student life to employee life, struggling to find my niche in my community, picking a community, committing to a community, juggling friendships here and back home, juggling relationships, family dynamics, paying bills, responsibilities of someone’s life in my hands, social cues, dry spiritual life, gang/tagging activity, difficulties with roommate B, recent change of events with unstable living situation, yadda yadda yadda. 

but i think that would just be diary-like.
so instead, i would just like to remind myself of a few things.

self, breathe in, and breathe out.

self, you are loved. you are bought. you are freed.

self, this is how your life would look different if you would truly understand christ.

  • peace about housing. no matter how bad things got, i would always thank god for at least the food on the table and the roof over my head. recently, i had a change in circumstances that threatened both things. it drove my anxiety through the roof and made me a tad emotionally unstable. the last few days, when i finally got a chance to notice life happening outside of my tiny brain bubble, i was super humbled. living in los angeles and working as a nurse in the pediatric intensive care unit, i see poverty, malnutrition, and critical illness every. single. day. though my situation is temporarily stressful and unstable, there are countless people with whom i have crossed paths, who i am sure would like very much to be in my shoes. this too shall pass. but most importantly, even if it does not, i have christ. and he has me.
  • joy in my circumstances. in addition to peace, if i truly made christ my all, i could let go of all my sadness, hurt, frustration, anxiety, anger, indignant bitterness, and depression. if the source of my joy is christ himself, then my heart shall not waver when things dont go “according to [my] plan”. my heart would be free of all these black soul sucking emotions. my heart would be light. my heart would sing praise to thee.
  • love for those who are hard to love. hard to love is one way to put it. rotten garbage of a person who i wish to pummel to the ground is another. i have tried really really hard to discuss and amend recent tensions. even when i didnt think she deserved it, i tried to reconcile again and again. i say i dont care, but it hurts me deeply. i am angry with the way she has dealt with me. but i can show her love by continuing to have a posture of reconciliation. forgiveness. it does not mean we have to reconcile. because now the ball is in her court and if she refuses to amend, that is that. may she and her mother learn sooner than later that they are living in a completely alternate reality.
  • be willing to “lose” a little bit. so neh bwah. i cannot let things go, especially when it comes to things pertaining to finances. my roommate refuses to pay for utilities and on principal i cannot let it go. it is going to cost me an absurd amount to break the lease early, and i would do anything to minimize the loss of that $1200 and additional penalties. i feel like i need to get the best deal for housing and even if there are decent options, i will keep prying to get an even better deal. in my wharton negotiation class, the biggest thing i learned was to “leave a little bit”. by that, prof rosner meant that a deal does not always have to be win-lose. even if it means getting a slightly not as good deal, you should always leave a little room for both parties to feel like they got a win-win. that is a good deal. when i think about why i am so greedy and insecure with my finances, it always points to a misunderstanding of his provisions. self, get a grip! has he not always provided for you? has he not provided you an education you never thought you could afford, a family you never thought could survive after your dad passed, and a job you never thought youd get? 
  • generosity. when the going gets tough, the first thing i do is make myself the charity case. similar concept as before. stop being so greedy. your family does not expect you to contribute. your obligation is to your god and his people.
  • stop that. that thing.

okay i have to go or i will be late. but that is a start. self, you did good today.

love appreciation and gratitude. 

for where i have been

for who i am

for where i am going.

it’s ironic……… people thinking quitting is a cowardly thing………. but i havent the balls to quit. who is the true coward?